[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
me
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it