I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
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How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.