The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
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Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
i have one speed and it’s mosey
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work