People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
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My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”