You Might Also Like
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad