Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
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“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
the last thing a carrot sees
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.