And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
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My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.