The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
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Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
For anyone who needs this today
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
unbelievably distressed by this ad
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I have a type: disappointing
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.