What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Living the best life.. 😊
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*