*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
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“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence