The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
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Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?