Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Received some very disappointing news today
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..