The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
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GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
All. The. Damn. Time.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.