In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Plant care tips
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?