My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
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I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
bought wrong eggs
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.