Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
When he asks for feet pics
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.