I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
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boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Here’s a meme
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”