I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You Might Also Like
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life