I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.