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I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Netflix: We have Less
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”