Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
You Might Also Like
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
These are my roll models.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
my sentiments exactly
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Saturday
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide