[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
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Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.