Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
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“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
asked my bf how work was today