I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
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Software Development ⛵️
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.