Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
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Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
He’s dead
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
groan^2
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
yea so i messed up lol