She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
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*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.