I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
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Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it