thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
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quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
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“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.