[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests