My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”