Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
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“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Social distancing in Australia:
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.