every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered