absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
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Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it