Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
me and who
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.