so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
“Why you watching this shit?”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
my favorite genre of twitter
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.