NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
You Might Also Like
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Feels
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.