Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out