My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
You Might Also Like
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
let’s discuss
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.