[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
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the last thing a carrot sees
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Can’t stop laughing
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone