When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names