People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
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trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
There are usually two types of merchants.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]