Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
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[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842