Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
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Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I’m going to need a moment here.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds