Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
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Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.