Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
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Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I used to be married, but I’m better now
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”