Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
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No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
my first day as a raccoon
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
President The Rock Obama
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had