Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
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I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
This woman is my idol. Free her.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you