One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
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I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Krampus.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.