I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
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[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.