A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
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I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
motivation
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping